What do I do when I’m not on the same page financially as my spouse?
Money and marriage: when you’re not on the same page
If you and your spouse find yourselves at odds over some part of your family finances, you’re not alone. Attitudes, beliefs, and habits about money are prevalent and often divisive in marriages. As the adage goes, “opposites attract,” and beliefs about money are typically no exception. While this can bring healthy balance and perspective to financial conversations and decisions, it can also bring conflict. Conflict involving real-world situations with real consequences. And there are endless examples:
Do we buy this, that, or nothing?
Do we buy new or used?
Do we pay for our kids to join one more sports team or club?
Should our kids pay for their own gas and insurance or is that our responsibility as parents?
Should we give to our local church, a non-church ministry, or both? And how much?
Should I get a new job? Should we both work?
This is just a small sampling of the myriad of financial decisions facing married couples, and some or all probably resonate with you. Whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page financially, the following principles will help you navigate the important conversations together.
Our relationship with money is a spiritual issue first. How we relate to money impacts how we relate to God and others. Jesus speaks often about our relationship with things and money, revealing that beneath the surface layer of our thoughts on money are beliefs related to fear, trust, and provision. Who is our true provider? What is God as father really like? Who is ultimately in control of the world around us? While these might seem like unrelated topics, our beliefs about God are frequently revealed through our relationship with money.
Financial decisions are usually emotional decisions. Building on the first principle, our views on money are often connected to feelings. We like feeling happy, not feeling sad, and being protected from what we fear. Understanding the emotions that influence our financial preferences and those of our spouse is key to identifying and dealing with the root of conflict.
The “why” is more important than the “what.” Every financial preference you and your spouse pursue is part of a strategy for accomplishing certain goals based on specific values. You may have never given thought to these goals and values, but they exist nonetheless, operating in the background of your life. They are the “why” behind your every financial choice and preference. Ideally, you and your spouse established shared values before saying, “I do,” but whether you did or not, discussing your values throughout marriage is a must. And out of those discussions will should flow shared goals. Money is just one ingredient in the strategy employed to achieve those goals, but it’s an important one. And the extent to which you and your spouse align on money decisions will be impacted by the extent to which your goals and values align.
There can be more than one “right way” to approach financial decisions. Taking two different perspectives into consideration can help you make better financial decisions. There’s a time to spend and a time to save, a time to take risks and a time to play it safe. Since everyone’s individual perspective is shaped by their individual story and carries a uniquely biased view of the world, no one person has a complete and perfect understanding of things. Rather, our understanding is enhanced as we consider multiple views of a situation, and the likelihood of making wise decisions increases as we engage in humble, transparent dialogue about the issue before us.
Hopefully these principles help you and your spouse get on the same page, a page that, at the end of the day, is aimed at stewarding every resource in your possession for the glory of Christ and his kingdom.